Match Report: Bitter defeat to league losers leaves Select wondering what was in those pork scratchings

"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

Last night IC Select's championship bid took a heavy blow from summer league minnows, The Artisans. Only by the defeat of favorites The Holland Club elsewhere, and a victory over the same team by ICS in the return match, can Selecta now stake a claim at the title. This, despite taking a 3-0 lead in a contest of two distinct halves, is great disappointment to a team that was sitting pretty even without their talismanic Essex boy and most consistent arrows man, Rampage, who was absent due to a thigh injury. Following a convincing win over ORCS the previous week, Select lost momentum into the singles round after Devastating drew against their captain and strongest player, Gerry. Had the draw gone some other way, Dave would surely have won us the single deciding leg needed to seal the match. It wasn't to be. Dave was tardy with his double in, and though made a valiant effort to catch up, scoring a 121 match best, the opposition captain made quick work of his finishing and brought his advantage home. Poor performances by Houses, Warrior and then Bags followed, each player going close on the finish, but none close enough. Warrior's disappointment was palpable, especially with his three dart average of 26.32, a poor tally given 18 consecutive hours of practice on the previous day. Not even in the bottom of his Beef and Tomato pot noodle later in the evening did he find comfort.

Game by game breakdown:

The team: Devastating, Houses, Bags, Warrior, Psych. Kenergy was also absent because he was 'sore from having so much hot sex'. Either that, or from gratuitous pom-pom activity.

0-0

Fours: Houses misses this one out, though it should have been Warrior due to a mix up on the nearest-the-bull play ordering.

Select dominate, Devastating hitting D2 out while the opponents aren't even on a realistic finish and floundering in the mid hundreds. Confidence oozed from our very pores, except for Bags, who's pores oozed something completely different.

1-0

Doubles 1: Devastating & Psych

Another dominant performance, especially from Dave, who hits 60, then 80, then 100 in consecutive visits to the board. He finished with D2 again. Cool, efficient stuff. Jeff's former lover, the well known Imperial Bag Lady from whom Jeff takes his nickname, was spotted around the venue at this point in the match but we managed to lure her away with a stick of pepperami.

2-0

Double 2: Bags & Houses

A closer match, both teams allowed attempts at a finish. Select start feeling a little nervous until Bags stands up and finishes a niner when the pressure was on: 3, miss, D3.

3-0

ICS lead 3-0 into the singles rounds and celebrate with a packet of pork scratchings, salted peanuts, mini cheddars and salt and vinegar crisps.

Singles 1: Devastating v Gerry

An unlucky draw, with ICS requiring just one more game to seal the match, our player showing the best form, and who would surely have cleaned up with any other member of the opposition, draws the competent Jerry as opponent. Dave struggles with his double-in while Jerry gets a lucky break and steams ahead. After finally getting his double top, Devastating rapidly catches with a 121, but doesn't get a finish before Jerry sinks him with yet another D2.

3-1

Singles 2: Houses v Amanda

It seemed like Houses had necked about 8 pints of Kookaburra ale by this stage of the evening and his darts weren't as safe as we're used to. Added to the pressure of trying to finish off the match, Houses was drawn against a female. A mixture of erratic and accurate arrows from both players leaves them both approaching a finish at the same time. Houses went close on a D12 but somehow Amanda made one of her darts go in the right place and - guess what - her D2 finish scuppers Houses and his masculinity takes a bigger hammering since his mum brought his sandwiches into work for him.

3-2, cumon Warrior!

Singles 3: Warrior v Dave

Warrior's opponent Dave was looking shaky in the 4s match, but suddenly he begins the game with a set of 3 doubles. D20, D18 and D1. Warrior is relieved to hit D7 in his following throw, but needs to catch up. Frustratingly he consistently hits 1 instead of 20, probably due to practicing in the crosswind of his back garden training zone. Both players eventually are attempting doubles, Warrior just missing a D16 with a D8, but then hitting 11 near the bull with a dart that can only be described as 'shit'. Both players again go close on their doubles but end up on madhouse. After 3 trips to the board, the nearest-the-bull rule is invoked. Warrior treads the ockey and felt the dart leave his hand true and straight. True for straight for treble 3. His opponent merely needs to get the dart inside the trebles ring and easily does so. Warrior goes into the toilets and beats up a hand towel dispenser in frustration.

3-3

Jeff's giant fore-arm and spade-like hand are a distinct advantage in the game of darts...

Singles 4: Bags v Simon

The score standing at 3-3 and all the momentum with the Artisans, Bags needs to do something special in what now amounts to a match decider. No advantage was taken on the double-in as both players made it with their second throw, and so it continued with Bags lagging, but only slightly, due to a large number of breakfasts (26 scored). Bags must've been hungry. Just falling short of D2 several times, maybe Jeff needed a few more mini cheddars as his energy, his joie de vivre, faltered at the last moment. His opponent sunk a D12 finish and IC Select were left to reflect on opportunities missed.

3-4 (bastard)

These women from The Aritisans complained that we took their picture without permission, so I've published it here.






The evening concluded with discussions about a venue for the winter league and a tankard for our intra team crowns: Champion and Most Improved Player. I've got my eye on the latter, and weeks of training in the garden will surely make her mine. Finally we've included a snap of the scoreboard, indicating to the bottom left that Psych scored a pitiful '1', though he claims the darts bounced on the treble 20 wire twice.



Tags: london, sport, imperial, darts, beer